Do not shed a tear.

Imagine living in Starkville with your wife that you love and adore.  Then God tells you that He is going to take her away in order to warn the MSU student body of things to come.  He then tells you that you cannot mourn your wife's death so that you can be an example for them...
WHAT?

I can see that Ezekiel has so much faith in chapter 24.  I'm sorry, but please don't sign me up to become a prophet.  I never knew how much pain he had to suffer.  God took away his wife "the delight of his eye".  God told him to only "groan quietly" (v. 17)  Note God's sympathy that we don't comprehend, God knew his heart, and that it would be impossible for him to not feel anything at the death of his wife. But the even crazier part of this is looking at how much God loves his people.

He did this to warn them, to give them a specific instructions on what to do when a trial was about to come.  (v. 22-23) Why? Verse 24 says so that "you will know that I am the Sovereign Lord".

This shows us another way we can experience our sovereign Lord, to obey Him.  I can sing praises all day long but in order to fully experience His sovereignty in my life comes from obeying Him.

Later in that chapter it talks about how "others will see that I am Sovereign Lord".  How will others know who reigns in your life? Will they know that the God you serve is the same God that is reigning in your life?  Because remember, we cannot serve two masters.  (Matt 6:24) Also, "we must obey God rather than men!" (Acts 5:29).  Ezekiel lived out a good example of this; I doubt I would even come close to this type of obedience.  Trusting, serving, and obeying Him are all intertwined to bring forth glory to God.

If you boldly ask God to strengthen your faith, serve only Him, AND obey Him, then it will be known that He is Sovereign Lord of your life.

Jesus asks us a simple question in Luke 18:8.  When He returns, will He find FAITH on the earth?
When you stand before the throne, will He say, "good and faithful SERVANT?"(Matt 25:21)

Would you care to explain?

Luke 18:31

Jesus Foretells His Death a THIRD Time:

So I'm reading this passage and I'm thinking, why does Jesus explain this again, I mean you would think that they would have gotten it by now.  But look at verse 34, "But they understood none of these things.  This saying was hidden from them, and they did not grasp what was said."

It says "This saying was hidden from them".  Why would Jesus take time to explain something so important to his disciples if he KNEW they would not understand it? What is the point?

I think about my life (I am a thinker). And if I am having a bad day and someone asks me about it, I just shrug them off.  Why? Well, because all day I have already thought through my situation so many times, at many different angles, so it is emotionally exhausting for me to have to explain it to someone unless they are part of the solution, unless they will completely UNDERSTAND.  If I know they won't, then I just don't waste my time.  I just give it to God and I feel like this is energy efficient for me. But in the passage above, Christ is inefficient with his emotional energy.  Here me out.  He cared enough to go through this explanation of the day he will die for the world, knowing that it will be hidden from them!

For a long time, I blamed the disciples, they are so stupid, why do they not understand?! But it was not their fault, it was hidden from them.  This, to me, is a great illustration.  This illustrates to me that I should not shut down and not have community just because it is emotionally exhausting sometimes.  But there is a bigger picture to this.

This shows us a picture of the God we serve.  Jesus explains to them when he knows they won't understand.  God calls us, even when He knows we won't go.  He reveals things to us, when He knows we won't understand them.  He talks to us, when He knows we won't listen.  Why? Because He loves us so much, that He is in a constant pursuit of us. Beautiful.

Have you ever been in a relationship of unrequited love? I have.  I feel like God brings us through those trials to show us just a GLIMPSE of what it feels like to Him when we reject Him.  Of course, this is only a glimpse, because I never died for anyone, nor did I conquer death for anyone and have them not care about me.  It hurts just to be in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way, we will never understand.  (1 Corinthians 9:13) But that is o.k. because the substance belongs to Christ (Colossians 2:17).

Be still today and acknowledge that He is constantly pursuing you, His beloved.

My God, My God, why have I forsaken YOU?

reading Proverbs 1 and 2 is so humbling.  Not listening to Wisdom call out can be detrimental.  I am at a crossroads in my life, or at least one is approaching very soon, and I don't know if it is a commit problem, or I am just terrible at making decisions, but I am on a roller coaster of peace and anxiety.  I need to figure out which nursing school I should go to, or if I should go to nursing school.  I have to trust.

 I read today how we are never happy with how God is in control.  Sometimes we want Him to completely do everything for us, and sometimes we want Him to just step aside.  Overall I have to trust that there is a plan, and even though I don't know it, I can still be used as long as there is no sin in my life.

 Mrs. Mickbben, the mother of the family I am living with this semester was telling me about the verse in Psalms that talks about His word being a lamp unto my feet.  Well she explained that the lamp back then is nothing like what we have today, no headlights or LED flashlights.  It was just enough light to take one step, then just enough light to take another step.  I can't get stuck in feeling like, maybe I missed something, or what if I ruin my life.  These are silly when you consider our Maker.

My favorite picture is of a parent pushing a kid in a toy car, the kid can try to steer, but ultimately, the parent is deciding the direction the toy car goes.  The face the kid makes when they try to make a sharp right turn but can't is the face my heart makes.  But what the kid (and myself) don't notice is the wall that the car would have hit taking that right turn.

Proverbs 2:10-11

Picking up my Sword

I always love reading Psalms.  I find myself relating to David when he talks about how he feels when he sins, that it feels like a sickness.  I also find myself relating to David when he talks about music and singing shouts to the Lord.  I love that all throughout he talks about the Lord as his shield.  and Psalm 27 has always been my favorite.

But there was always one thing that I could not really relate on, when David talks about his adversaries.  I never really thought, yea I have this enemy and this enemy and they are attacking me.  But I have a different opinion when I read through the Psalms now and I have added another way that I can relate to David.

I had a spiritually dry summer.  (You may have been able to tell due to the lack of blogs) There is no other excuse for this other than me rebelling against God and not staying in His Word.

I have a best friend who loves the Lord named Branden Leone.  But with him I live by Song of Solomon's 4:12 picture of a locked garden, a sealed fountain.  I do not rely on him for renewing of my heart, because that is dangerous.  Also, I did not have the privilege of having my girl friends in town to fellowship with.  Now that I have that privilege back, I will never take advantage of it again.

The enemy has had it's turn with me and he is clever and cunning.  I will never underestimate his power again.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"

Healer

I should be studying right now. I really should be studying right now.  But I am just too full of good news to sit still with another species of fish in front of me.. perciformes centrarchidae erimyzon oblongus...

So everyone remembers that you must remove the plank from your own eye before worrying about the toothpick in your neighbor's eye?  Well I got to experience this first hand.  I went to the bookstore the other day and I was getting a book for my friend for her birthday.  I thought, maybe she would like a book about contentment, or maybe a devotional book.   Little did I know I had come into the bookstore that day for myself.  I went to the Christian section (like good Christians do haha) and I said, "Lord help me find something" and before I could say "for her" I was looking at this book that caught my eye.  I picked it up and low and behold Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow was in my hands.  I read the back of the book and knew that God wanted me to read this.  So I bought it (and almost forgot to get my friend a present).  As I'm turning each page, it is directed to me.  You ever read something and think, this was written for me.. yea I had that feeling.  People who believe in coincidences are blind to the workings of the Lord.

"Be not wise in you own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.  It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." - Prov. 3:7

You ever start off a prayer by saying, "here I am again...." or "Im back in this again, Lord"..?  story of my life.  Whether it is worrying, unfaithfulness, or just not listening to anything that He says.  Sometimes I don't want to pray because I feel like my heart is not prepared or I am not worthy enough, or I can fix it, I don't want to be a bother.  I actually have to remind myself that a broken and contrite heart is what He seeks out to heal.  All we need to bring to the Healer is a need


I am overwhelmed with his grace and the song "How He Loves" puts it the best way in saying that if grace is an ocean, I'm drowning.

Jesus, please come back soon.

I heard on the radio today that there is a family that was directly hit by the tornado in Joplin.  This family included a dad who was unharmed, a mom who was pregnant and broke her arm and hip, a 7 year old daughter that fractured her skull, an 18 month baby who passed away, and a 4 year old who is still missing.  I will never know what they are going through, and I don't ever want to know how they feel.  This is tragedy.  I've been praying to see God working through these storms, and I have to keep praying that, because I'm not seeing Him.



Over the past couple of days anxiety has ruled my life.  Is worrying a sin? I think that it separates us from God, because whatever it is that we are worried about, we aren't giving it to Him.  It is so hard for me sometimes.  You know the hardest thing for me to give up and give to God? My sin.  I don't fully understand why, maybe it's because I feel like it is my fault, and I got myself into this, I should be the one to get myself out.  Because it is my fault, then I should punish myself.

⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life

well, let me think, what is the price for sin, death.  That is a debt I cannot pay.  I have to actually stop and remind myself of the gospel, can you believe that? I told my campers at LFR over the past summers that He paid for past, present, and future sins.  Even though I spoke as if I understood it, I obviously don't.  It is something that I am still learning.

So why do I let my anxious thoughts effect me emotionally, and physically?  I go through life feeling as if I have to be prepared for the worst. Forgetting that whatever is before me, God is already there.

³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Ecclesiastes

Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.

Consider the work of God.  Who can make straight, what He has made crooked?

Better is the end of a thing than it beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.

All the toil of man is for his mouth, yet his appetite is not satisfied.  For what advantage has the wise man over the fool?  And what does the poor man have who knows how to conduct himself before the living?  Better is the sight of the eyes than the wandering of the appetite: this also is vanity and a striving after wind.

Guard your steps when you go to the house of God.  To draw hear to listen is better than to offer the sacrifice of fools, for they do not know that they are doing evil.  Be not rash with your mouth, not let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth.  Therefore let your words be few.  For a dream comes with much business, and a fools voice with many words.

When you vow a vow to God, do not delaying paying it, for he has no pleasure in fools.  Pay what you vow.  It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay.  Let not you mouth lead you into sin, and so not say before the messenger that it was a mistake.  Why should God be angry at your voice and destroy the work of your hands? For when dreams increase and words grow many, there is vanity, but God is the one you must fear.

You are gain, it is loss

So I already said that God speaks to me through sunsets.  Well, today I had a really great time with Him. And towards the end of it I felt the Spirit was telling me to reach back and get Branden's Bible that he left in my car (heathen boyfriend haha) and I knew that I had to open to Job. I thought this was odd because at this exact time last year I remember being called to open to Job and reading it. It was right before finals and camp starting up and I knew I needed to read it but I didn't know why.  Anyway, after again being distracted by the sunset (it is amazing to me how patiently God deals with us being so distracted all the time)   i read just the first part,

1 In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. ² He had seven sons and three daughters, ³and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.

 ⁴ His sons used to hold feasts in their homes on their birthdays, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. ⁵ When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would make arrangements for them to be purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, “Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” This was Job’s regular custom.

 ⁶ One day the angels^[a] came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan^[b] also came with them. ⁷ The LORD said to Satan, “Where have you come from?”

   Satan answered the LORD, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.”

 ⁸ Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

 ⁹ “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. ¹⁰ “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. ¹¹ But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

 ¹² The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”

   Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD.

A couple of good reminders in this passage is that God always protects us, and he knows what we can bear.  

At first it kinda got my heart going a little as I thought, well, what if God is preparing me to loose something? And although that could be it, the main thing I got out of it is the fact that I am extremely blessed, and thats not to brag, because its nothing that I earned or deserve in the least bit, but I am blessed.  A lot of us are.  I just feel like giving was what I needed to dwell on.  And not necessarily money, but time and other things as well.  

After everything that Job went through, he still praised God, and that was not easy for him or for anyone who has lost anything, but I want to be able to do that as well (with His help).  For me right now to act as Job is inconceivable, but I do not doubt that God will give everyone the opportunity to respond to our blessings.  James writes, 

¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

My prayer is that the more I trust that He is in control, the more peace I have when something (that wasn't mine in the first place) is taken away, or is given up.


Lord, you've surprised me
with how this all turned out.
With each new sunrise, tell me your will
tell it to me loud.
I'm done guessing
predictability is not Your game.
I'm handing you the pen now
erase mine, and put your name.

Strip away all of me
until there's nothing left.
Wash away all of my flesh,
I want to trust, I don't want to help
Take away everything, that I hold dear
I count it all as loss.
You are gain, it is loss
You are gain, it is loss

"just go as fast as you can!"

The other day me and my friends had a conversation discussing who we would pick (out of all of us) to drive us to the E.R. if we ever had to go.  It was unanimous. Our choice? Emily Mcgee, she drives like a maniac, but surprisingly, has never had a wreck.  We also all decided that the one person we DID NOT want to drive us to the E.R. was my boyfriend, Leone (Branden). He drives like a grandpa.  Little did I know that I would actually get to put our latter choice to the test Sunday night.

I was at Branden's apartment. And we were watching the "secret millionaire" show.  All of a sudden I couldn't breathe.  It passed quickly and I thought "that was funny, I've never felt like that before.." Then my chest started to feel tight, and I started taking quicker breaths.  You will laugh at this next part, I picked up my laptop and checked web md for a minute, and I put in my symptoms and it didn't even give me an answer there was just a window that popped up that said, "please seek medical attention immediately. "  I looked at Branden and said I think I need you to take me to the emergency room.  

First off, I give credit for Branden being calm and ready to help, but I did not appreciate the fact that he asks, "Are you driving? or me?" (keep in mind I am breathing rapidly and I'm feeling like my heart is speeding really fast) So I couldn't even yell at him for being an idiot.  The car ride there seemed like it lasted forever (which it probably did since he was driving) I eventually just begged him to start passing people and running red lights.  I felt like I was dying. My hands went numb and started to spasm.  I knew that I was about to pass out but I was determined to at least make it there.  

after I got there, they made me wait! like it wasn't an emergency, I guess they knew it wasn't because as it turns out I was hyperventilating or having a panic attack.  anyone interested in the physiology of it? if so read below, if not..skip this next paragraph

When the adrenal gland releases too much epinephrine over a long period of time, (due to stress) the heart responds by jumping, this shortened my breath for a little bit.  But then I started to take short shallow breaths, (because my diaphragm was becoming paralyzed,)  I was no longer pushing any CO2 out of my body.  We always think, oxygen good, carbon dioxide bad.  But in fact, the CO2 is needed to keep our bodies at a normal pH.  The whole time, I was getting a sufficient amount of oxygen, but I was giving off too much carbon dioxide.  So my pH went up.  this causes numbing in the hands and face and causes the muscles to become weak and spasm.  So when you see people breathing into a paper bag, they are taking in the excess of CO2 that they were letting out.  yay physiology..

So they did all these tests, to make sure I didn't have a heart condition, or that there wasn't an underlying disease that usually produces attacks like these, and so far I am clear.  I was surprised at first because I did not feel stressed at the time of the attack, I was watching TV! but after last week, me and my friends kinda see where it came from.  Overall, this semester has been a stressful one.  I did not think that 19 hours would be a big deal, but now that I'm in it, it is.  Please pray that nothing like this happens to me again.

Thank you to Dr. Mckibben for meeting me at the E.R. and serving as my personal doctor.  And to Mrs. Mckibben for also waiting in the E.R. They are like my Starkville mom & dad and are always there for me.  

You want to know the irony of all of this?? Last week was really stressful because i had 7 (100pt) human phys quizes.  And then everything that happened was something that I had studied about. And I have the actual test tomorrow..

But school is temporary and this life is temporary.

Isaiah 32:17

"And the effect of righteousness will be peace,

and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever"

What are you Looking at?

why does man care about looks so much? I've been pondering this my entire life basically.  I mean you read in 1st Samuel about how "man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" This is what God told Samuel when he knew that David (short and weak) would be the next king.  So when I read that it gets me pumped up.  "Ok God, today I'm not going to worry about the way I look, as long as i know that You love me and my heart, then I will be happy.  But the day ends, and something was said about a hair being out of place, or a piece of clothing not matching and my day is ruined. Why is Satan so effective when it comes to telling us we are ugly? I'm going to go over some physical and spiritual applications that God has shown me in my life up to this past week.

Go back with me to pre-summer of '07 and meet a young girl who believed nothing other than what she had been told.  Even in high school, the only thing she saw was her weight.  Her personality suffered because of this.  If anyone was asked what they thought of her, the average answer would be "she's sweet" and thats it.  Well God rocked her world when she lived at a camp for a summer.  She was surrounded by community.  Now, I'm not talking about friends who share their testimonies and then hang out community. No, I'm talking about the community where you share your life together and the next time you meet up, it is like there was no time that passed when you were apart.  Everyone was uplifting, she forgot her old self and became someone who wanted to be outgoing and wanted to start playing guitar and singing and laughing and joking.  She found the personality that was hidden under criticism from family and friends for years and years.

something else happened to this girl, she lost weight, and began a physical transformation journey. Three years and 83 pounds later you would not have even recognized her.  She finally figured out that she was beautiful, and stopped turing to food to stay in her comfort zone and to stay the person she was told to be, and start becoming the woman that God created her to be.

There were 3 factors that helped me get through that journey.  Firstly, I experienced love and community for the first time, no more negativity.  Secondly, I discovered my active passion to ride bikes.  and Thirdly, I had to stop looking in the mirror.  Let me explain,  I lived in a tiny cabin with 7 other girls, there was one mirror.  The chance that I got to even use that mirror was slim to none.  I was bummed about it at first, but then realized that the time i usually spend in front of the mirror was spent elsewhere, like in the morning to have my time with God, or at night to get to bed a few minutes early.  I felt more confident during the day because I wasn't concerned about a blemish on my face that I never saw!  I wasn't changing clothes over and over again because I wasn't worried about what people thought of my outfit.  It was such a relief.

Lately, I have been slipping back into my old self, physically and mentally.  Becoming more concerned with the way I look, my hair, my weight, etc... so, I've struggled to start up and be healthy.  I couldn't figure out why i can just start loosing weight like I used to and why i keep gaining.  So I thought of something I could try.

I have never fasted from anything in my life.  But right now, I am fasting from looking in the mirror.  Before you freak out, I will still maintain my hygiene- trust me!  But looking in the mirror for me and for most people goes like this:  ugh..pimple.  why is my hair doing this today? (turning to the side) man, I've let myself go... (tugging at clothes) I should probably change..

Why would anyone want to start or end a day with these thoughts?? I don't, so until I learn to not dwell in my physical reflection, I am covering up my mirror with pictures of friends and family, of scripture that is encouraging, and anything else that will build me up and not tear me down.

It is true when they say your worst critic is yourself.  Spiritually, what Satan does is he holds a mirror up for you to use.  This mirror is a unique kind, it only shows your past, your mistakes, your spiritual struggles.  When you look into this mirror, you see the scars from wounds of hurt that people have put you through, you think you have forgiven them, but you still can't believe they did that to you.  What needs to be looked at is Jesus.  Look at yourself, and how our Healer has taken every blemish and wound and has made us new.  Completely new.  When we stop looking at Satan's lying mirror, we will be more confident coming to the throne of Christ, while still realizing that we have nothing to offer except for our wounds and blemishes.  He heals those, pouring over His grace and peace.  Looking in the mirror will only let you forget what He has done.

God speaks to me through sunsets.  

my Beloved

God takes car rides with me a lot.  I was driving back to school yesterday after a long and tiresome but amazing D-Now.  My awesome sister had just made me six brand new CDs and she gave me a pearl bracelet that she didn't want anymore.  Which if you don't know my sister, we have almost the exact same taste in music, except the fact that she is cooler than me.  Anyway, listening to the awesome music, I felt really sleepy.  So, in order to stay awake, I put it on something that I could sing to.  So, since Haley's CD's were new, I switched over to my Ipod.  Brett Younker was on and he has some pretty cool songs.  The first one was "Nothing But the Blood of Jesus" so I'm jamming out to this song, singing loud, so that I won't fall asleep, and hearing some truths at the same time.  "This is all my hope and peace..This is all my righteousness, nothing but the blood..." remembering in Isaiah, that my own righteousness is like filthy rags, so the fact that I'm seen as righteous in His eyes, is because of His blood! After a while, I feel awake and I'm ready to turn it back to the awesome music my sister gave me.  Then I started to feel sleepy again (the music was NOT boring).. Then, for some reason I began to rethink the difference between secular music and Christian music.  I have always been a fan of both.  Not necessarily what I hear on KLove, but finding on my own the Christian artists that meet my taste in music.  So Im driving and thinking, what is profitable through listening to secular music? I've always thought, well as long as it's not bringing me down in my faith, then it's ok.  But I still couldn't stop questioning whether or not it is profitable? We are on Earth for no other reason than for Jesus, to bring Him glory.  So I kept thinking, is this for Him?  At that exact moment, I just let my thoughts chill, and started listening to the song that was already playing and it was a song by City and Colour called "The Girl"

I wish I could do better by you, 

'cause that's what you deserve

You sacrifice so much of your life

In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams

Sailing around the world

Please know that I'm yours to keep

My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies

Knowing that I may have been the cause

If you were to leave

Fulfill someone else's dreams

I think I might totally be lost

You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls

That's why I wrote this song to sing

My beautiful girl

so after the first couple of lines, I thought, could this relate to me and God? Then, after the next few I thought, no, it can't.  I told myself to stop trying to make a secular song fit the framework of my relationship with Christ.  Then I made a right turn headed towards Starkville right at the line where is says "you don't as for no diamond ring, no delicate string of pearls, that's why I wrote this song to sing, my beautiful girl." At this moment, the bracelet Haley gave me fell forward to where I saw it.  After that, I could not stop smiling, knowing that God had just told me that I am His beautiful girl. 

I feel sorry for those who believe in coincidences, because for me, it's moments like these that strengthen my faith like none other.  

Just like in Hosea, when I was young He called me out of the wilderness, and has been calling me out of it ever since then.  He has always held my heart with healing hands, even when I gave it away, again and again.  I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.

the sin that is killing me

I have spiritual ADD.  Let me explain.  I woke up yesterday morning and grabbed my laptop (a routine I have that i check my email to see if any classes are canceled that day), then I had a thought.  Psalm 5:3 says "O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch." Here David is, and the first thing he does when he wakes up is pray, and he knows that God is listening.  Then he prepares a sacrifice to the Lord and watches.  He started his morning off and everything was automatically centered around God.  And what was my day automatically centered around? whether or not my classes were canceled so that i could sleep some more.  So I got my lazy self out of bed and had a quiet time.  For those of you who know me, I am NOT a morning person.  So I wasn't very happy the whole time.  I opened my Bible to the Psalms (whenever I am in a bad mood, I like to read David and what he felt like, and then I know that whatever petty feeling I am having, I know the Lord is greater than anything I think is a big deal).

I read this:

O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath!  For your arrows have sunk into me, and your hand has come down on me.  There is no soundness in my flesh because of my sin.  For my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.  My wounds stink and fester because of my foolishness, I am utterly bowed down and prostrate; all the day I go about mourning.  For my sides are filled with burning, and there is no soundness in my flesh.  I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.  O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes--it also has gone from me.  My friends and companions stand aloof from my plague, and my nearest kin stand far off.  Those who seek my life lay their snares; those who seek my hurt speak of ruin and meditate treachery all day long.  But I am like a deaf man; I do not hear, like a mute man who does not open his mouth.  I have become like a man who does not hear, and in whose mouth there are no rebukes.  But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord, who will answer.  For I said, "Only let them not rejoice over me, who boast against me when my foot slips!" For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever before me.  I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin.  But my foes are vigorous, they are mighty, and many are those who hate me wrongfully.  Those who render me evil for good accuse me because I follow after good.  Do not forsake me, O Lord!  O my God, be not far from me!  Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!

Like, wow. I felt like this was great stuff. It really spoke to me.  Little did I know that last night i would reread this passage and weep, because i felt like yesterday played out this exact verse.  Yesterday morning, I read this passage, and if was God equipping me for that day.  But my heart forgot this verse.  Had I remembered how David felt in his sin, I would have been able to walk away.  The way I felt after sin was exactly how he described, like a sore, like festering wounds, like a sickness.  This might sound pretty extreme but in spiritual reality, I was feasting on death.  How quickly my memory leaves me when it comes to the most important thing ever, being prepared to fight this war! It was if God woke me up inside a battle tent and handed me the finest amour there was, the sharpest sword, and the best made shoes.  (referring to the amour of God)  And then I dropped everything He gave me and left the tent to go to the battle field to fight with just my helmet on (salvation).  I say all of this not to tell you that I fell guilty or ashamed.  This will be explained actually in the best part of the story.  Because at the end of that day, God had healed me of all guilt and shame.  I walked back to the tent, with all my wounds and He was there to heal me, no matter how long it would take, how painful it was, and how much I resisted.

may or may not be about me

I am not a fan of blogs. And I don't think that anyone will read this.  But besides all of that, I created one.  The title relates to when I realized that nothing in this world could save me from the world.  In other words, I needed a Savior.  But even after God rescued me from sin, I continued to live under the law.  I went through the motions.  Growing up in a Christian home, I was a master at putting on a Christian smile and go to church carrying my Bible.  But later on in my walk, God brought me through some stuff that made me realize that I was trying to do everything by myself, not even letting God live through me.  Me coming to terms with God's grace meant letting go of my life and giving it to Him.  After all I died.  Let me explain,  Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives through me.  The life i live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave His life for me".  In other words, Laura died at the age of 10, and from that point on my life was in God's hands (thankfully).

Abraham also struggled with the grace/law concept.  God told him, that he would be over many nations, even though he was old.  Abraham believed God at first, then tried to take it into his own hands by using Hagar to have a son.  Hagar is the example of law in this case, Abraham trying to do God's will without God.  It was only after Abraham gave in to "trusting" God instead of "helping" God, that he lived by grace.  By the grace of God, Abraham and Sarah had a son.  And by the grace of God, I am His and He is mine. 

ps: friends call me La, so that explains the play on words.