"just go as fast as you can!"

The other day me and my friends had a conversation discussing who we would pick (out of all of us) to drive us to the E.R. if we ever had to go.  It was unanimous. Our choice? Emily Mcgee, she drives like a maniac, but surprisingly, has never had a wreck.  We also all decided that the one person we DID NOT want to drive us to the E.R. was my boyfriend, Leone (Branden). He drives like a grandpa.  Little did I know that I would actually get to put our latter choice to the test Sunday night.

I was at Branden's apartment. And we were watching the "secret millionaire" show.  All of a sudden I couldn't breathe.  It passed quickly and I thought "that was funny, I've never felt like that before.." Then my chest started to feel tight, and I started taking quicker breaths.  You will laugh at this next part, I picked up my laptop and checked web md for a minute, and I put in my symptoms and it didn't even give me an answer there was just a window that popped up that said, "please seek medical attention immediately. "  I looked at Branden and said I think I need you to take me to the emergency room.  

First off, I give credit for Branden being calm and ready to help, but I did not appreciate the fact that he asks, "Are you driving? or me?" (keep in mind I am breathing rapidly and I'm feeling like my heart is speeding really fast) So I couldn't even yell at him for being an idiot.  The car ride there seemed like it lasted forever (which it probably did since he was driving) I eventually just begged him to start passing people and running red lights.  I felt like I was dying. My hands went numb and started to spasm.  I knew that I was about to pass out but I was determined to at least make it there.  

after I got there, they made me wait! like it wasn't an emergency, I guess they knew it wasn't because as it turns out I was hyperventilating or having a panic attack.  anyone interested in the physiology of it? if so read below, if not..skip this next paragraph

When the adrenal gland releases too much epinephrine over a long period of time, (due to stress) the heart responds by jumping, this shortened my breath for a little bit.  But then I started to take short shallow breaths, (because my diaphragm was becoming paralyzed,)  I was no longer pushing any CO2 out of my body.  We always think, oxygen good, carbon dioxide bad.  But in fact, the CO2 is needed to keep our bodies at a normal pH.  The whole time, I was getting a sufficient amount of oxygen, but I was giving off too much carbon dioxide.  So my pH went up.  this causes numbing in the hands and face and causes the muscles to become weak and spasm.  So when you see people breathing into a paper bag, they are taking in the excess of CO2 that they were letting out.  yay physiology..

So they did all these tests, to make sure I didn't have a heart condition, or that there wasn't an underlying disease that usually produces attacks like these, and so far I am clear.  I was surprised at first because I did not feel stressed at the time of the attack, I was watching TV! but after last week, me and my friends kinda see where it came from.  Overall, this semester has been a stressful one.  I did not think that 19 hours would be a big deal, but now that I'm in it, it is.  Please pray that nothing like this happens to me again.

Thank you to Dr. Mckibben for meeting me at the E.R. and serving as my personal doctor.  And to Mrs. Mckibben for also waiting in the E.R. They are like my Starkville mom & dad and are always there for me.  

You want to know the irony of all of this?? Last week was really stressful because i had 7 (100pt) human phys quizes.  And then everything that happened was something that I had studied about. And I have the actual test tomorrow..

But school is temporary and this life is temporary.

Isaiah 32:17

"And the effect of righteousness will be peace,

and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever"

What are you Looking at?

why does man care about looks so much? I've been pondering this my entire life basically.  I mean you read in 1st Samuel about how "man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" This is what God told Samuel when he knew that David (short and weak) would be the next king.  So when I read that it gets me pumped up.  "Ok God, today I'm not going to worry about the way I look, as long as i know that You love me and my heart, then I will be happy.  But the day ends, and something was said about a hair being out of place, or a piece of clothing not matching and my day is ruined. Why is Satan so effective when it comes to telling us we are ugly? I'm going to go over some physical and spiritual applications that God has shown me in my life up to this past week.

Go back with me to pre-summer of '07 and meet a young girl who believed nothing other than what she had been told.  Even in high school, the only thing she saw was her weight.  Her personality suffered because of this.  If anyone was asked what they thought of her, the average answer would be "she's sweet" and thats it.  Well God rocked her world when she lived at a camp for a summer.  She was surrounded by community.  Now, I'm not talking about friends who share their testimonies and then hang out community. No, I'm talking about the community where you share your life together and the next time you meet up, it is like there was no time that passed when you were apart.  Everyone was uplifting, she forgot her old self and became someone who wanted to be outgoing and wanted to start playing guitar and singing and laughing and joking.  She found the personality that was hidden under criticism from family and friends for years and years.

something else happened to this girl, she lost weight, and began a physical transformation journey. Three years and 83 pounds later you would not have even recognized her.  She finally figured out that she was beautiful, and stopped turing to food to stay in her comfort zone and to stay the person she was told to be, and start becoming the woman that God created her to be.

There were 3 factors that helped me get through that journey.  Firstly, I experienced love and community for the first time, no more negativity.  Secondly, I discovered my active passion to ride bikes.  and Thirdly, I had to stop looking in the mirror.  Let me explain,  I lived in a tiny cabin with 7 other girls, there was one mirror.  The chance that I got to even use that mirror was slim to none.  I was bummed about it at first, but then realized that the time i usually spend in front of the mirror was spent elsewhere, like in the morning to have my time with God, or at night to get to bed a few minutes early.  I felt more confident during the day because I wasn't concerned about a blemish on my face that I never saw!  I wasn't changing clothes over and over again because I wasn't worried about what people thought of my outfit.  It was such a relief.

Lately, I have been slipping back into my old self, physically and mentally.  Becoming more concerned with the way I look, my hair, my weight, etc... so, I've struggled to start up and be healthy.  I couldn't figure out why i can just start loosing weight like I used to and why i keep gaining.  So I thought of something I could try.

I have never fasted from anything in my life.  But right now, I am fasting from looking in the mirror.  Before you freak out, I will still maintain my hygiene- trust me!  But looking in the mirror for me and for most people goes like this:  ugh..pimple.  why is my hair doing this today? (turning to the side) man, I've let myself go... (tugging at clothes) I should probably change..

Why would anyone want to start or end a day with these thoughts?? I don't, so until I learn to not dwell in my physical reflection, I am covering up my mirror with pictures of friends and family, of scripture that is encouraging, and anything else that will build me up and not tear me down.

It is true when they say your worst critic is yourself.  Spiritually, what Satan does is he holds a mirror up for you to use.  This mirror is a unique kind, it only shows your past, your mistakes, your spiritual struggles.  When you look into this mirror, you see the scars from wounds of hurt that people have put you through, you think you have forgiven them, but you still can't believe they did that to you.  What needs to be looked at is Jesus.  Look at yourself, and how our Healer has taken every blemish and wound and has made us new.  Completely new.  When we stop looking at Satan's lying mirror, we will be more confident coming to the throne of Christ, while still realizing that we have nothing to offer except for our wounds and blemishes.  He heals those, pouring over His grace and peace.  Looking in the mirror will only let you forget what He has done.

God speaks to me through sunsets.  

my Beloved

God takes car rides with me a lot.  I was driving back to school yesterday after a long and tiresome but amazing D-Now.  My awesome sister had just made me six brand new CDs and she gave me a pearl bracelet that she didn't want anymore.  Which if you don't know my sister, we have almost the exact same taste in music, except the fact that she is cooler than me.  Anyway, listening to the awesome music, I felt really sleepy.  So, in order to stay awake, I put it on something that I could sing to.  So, since Haley's CD's were new, I switched over to my Ipod.  Brett Younker was on and he has some pretty cool songs.  The first one was "Nothing But the Blood of Jesus" so I'm jamming out to this song, singing loud, so that I won't fall asleep, and hearing some truths at the same time.  "This is all my hope and peace..This is all my righteousness, nothing but the blood..." remembering in Isaiah, that my own righteousness is like filthy rags, so the fact that I'm seen as righteous in His eyes, is because of His blood! After a while, I feel awake and I'm ready to turn it back to the awesome music my sister gave me.  Then I started to feel sleepy again (the music was NOT boring).. Then, for some reason I began to rethink the difference between secular music and Christian music.  I have always been a fan of both.  Not necessarily what I hear on KLove, but finding on my own the Christian artists that meet my taste in music.  So Im driving and thinking, what is profitable through listening to secular music? I've always thought, well as long as it's not bringing me down in my faith, then it's ok.  But I still couldn't stop questioning whether or not it is profitable? We are on Earth for no other reason than for Jesus, to bring Him glory.  So I kept thinking, is this for Him?  At that exact moment, I just let my thoughts chill, and started listening to the song that was already playing and it was a song by City and Colour called "The Girl"

I wish I could do better by you, 

'cause that's what you deserve

You sacrifice so much of your life

In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams

Sailing around the world

Please know that I'm yours to keep

My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies

Knowing that I may have been the cause

If you were to leave

Fulfill someone else's dreams

I think I might totally be lost

You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls

That's why I wrote this song to sing

My beautiful girl

so after the first couple of lines, I thought, could this relate to me and God? Then, after the next few I thought, no, it can't.  I told myself to stop trying to make a secular song fit the framework of my relationship with Christ.  Then I made a right turn headed towards Starkville right at the line where is says "you don't as for no diamond ring, no delicate string of pearls, that's why I wrote this song to sing, my beautiful girl." At this moment, the bracelet Haley gave me fell forward to where I saw it.  After that, I could not stop smiling, knowing that God had just told me that I am His beautiful girl. 

I feel sorry for those who believe in coincidences, because for me, it's moments like these that strengthen my faith like none other.  

Just like in Hosea, when I was young He called me out of the wilderness, and has been calling me out of it ever since then.  He has always held my heart with healing hands, even when I gave it away, again and again.  I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.

the sin that is killing me

I have spiritual ADD.  Let me explain.  I woke up yesterday morning and grabbed my laptop (a routine I have that i check my email to see if any classes are canceled that day), then I had a thought.  Psalm 5:3 says "O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch." Here David is, and the first thing he does when he wakes up is pray, and he knows that God is listening.  Then he prepares a sacrifice to the Lord and watches.  He started his morning off and everything was automatically centered around God.  And what was my day automatically centered around? whether or not my classes were canceled so that i could sleep some more.  So I got my lazy self out of bed and had a quiet time.  For those of you who know me, I am NOT a morning person.  So I wasn't very happy the whole time.  I opened my Bible to the Psalms (whenever I am in a bad mood, I like to read David and what he felt like, and then I know that whatever petty feeling I am having, I know the Lord is greater than anything I think is a big deal).

I read this:

O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath!  For your arrows have sunk into me, and your hand has come down on me.  There is no soundness in my flesh because of my sin.  For my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.  My wounds stink and fester because of my foolishness, I am utterly bowed down and prostrate; all the day I go about mourning.  For my sides are filled with burning, and there is no soundness in my flesh.  I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.  O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.  My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes--it also has gone from me.  My friends and companions stand aloof from my plague, and my nearest kin stand far off.  Those who seek my life lay their snares; those who seek my hurt speak of ruin and meditate treachery all day long.  But I am like a deaf man; I do not hear, like a mute man who does not open his mouth.  I have become like a man who does not hear, and in whose mouth there are no rebukes.  But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord, who will answer.  For I said, "Only let them not rejoice over me, who boast against me when my foot slips!" For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever before me.  I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin.  But my foes are vigorous, they are mighty, and many are those who hate me wrongfully.  Those who render me evil for good accuse me because I follow after good.  Do not forsake me, O Lord!  O my God, be not far from me!  Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!

Like, wow. I felt like this was great stuff. It really spoke to me.  Little did I know that last night i would reread this passage and weep, because i felt like yesterday played out this exact verse.  Yesterday morning, I read this passage, and if was God equipping me for that day.  But my heart forgot this verse.  Had I remembered how David felt in his sin, I would have been able to walk away.  The way I felt after sin was exactly how he described, like a sore, like festering wounds, like a sickness.  This might sound pretty extreme but in spiritual reality, I was feasting on death.  How quickly my memory leaves me when it comes to the most important thing ever, being prepared to fight this war! It was if God woke me up inside a battle tent and handed me the finest amour there was, the sharpest sword, and the best made shoes.  (referring to the amour of God)  And then I dropped everything He gave me and left the tent to go to the battle field to fight with just my helmet on (salvation).  I say all of this not to tell you that I fell guilty or ashamed.  This will be explained actually in the best part of the story.  Because at the end of that day, God had healed me of all guilt and shame.  I walked back to the tent, with all my wounds and He was there to heal me, no matter how long it would take, how painful it was, and how much I resisted.

may or may not be about me

I am not a fan of blogs. And I don't think that anyone will read this.  But besides all of that, I created one.  The title relates to when I realized that nothing in this world could save me from the world.  In other words, I needed a Savior.  But even after God rescued me from sin, I continued to live under the law.  I went through the motions.  Growing up in a Christian home, I was a master at putting on a Christian smile and go to church carrying my Bible.  But later on in my walk, God brought me through some stuff that made me realize that I was trying to do everything by myself, not even letting God live through me.  Me coming to terms with God's grace meant letting go of my life and giving it to Him.  After all I died.  Let me explain,  Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives through me.  The life i live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave His life for me".  In other words, Laura died at the age of 10, and from that point on my life was in God's hands (thankfully).

Abraham also struggled with the grace/law concept.  God told him, that he would be over many nations, even though he was old.  Abraham believed God at first, then tried to take it into his own hands by using Hagar to have a son.  Hagar is the example of law in this case, Abraham trying to do God's will without God.  It was only after Abraham gave in to "trusting" God instead of "helping" God, that he lived by grace.  By the grace of God, Abraham and Sarah had a son.  And by the grace of God, I am His and He is mine. 

ps: friends call me La, so that explains the play on words.